


Maybe It's Time To Go

by GoldWanderess



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-27 12:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7618129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldWanderess/pseuds/GoldWanderess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She already has been through so much pain and suffering and loss. Everything that she was or hold has been snatched out of her hands, no matter how desperately she tried to cling onto it. She may surrounded by loved ones and those who lover her. but she never has felt this alone in her lifetime. Maybe she should just go and rest now.</p>
<p>A series of short one-shots, not in chronological order, revolving around the Emperor's Wrath.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. But Sometimes… Nightmares Are Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set months after Ziost

The Emperor’s Wrath woke up in a cold sweat, the droplets falling off her face and onto her bed, mixing with the tears streaming down her cheeks. The images of her nightmare were flashing before her eyes, showing her the same thing over and over again. She felt the screams as if _it_ just had happened even though it months had passed. The screams that crawled under her skin at night, that picked at her and reminded her. Reminded her of how she wasn’t good enough, that she’ll never be good enough. She wanted to pick at them as they rested under her skin, pick at them until they left her and gave her peace she longed for. But she knew that they weren’t actually there, they weren’t really picking at her or taunting her, they were just her nightmares. Nothing that will harm her.

 

‘ _Safe’_ she thought, _‘I’m safe’_. Her sheets were damp and her hair stuck to her skin, glistening in all its smooth and pale glory. She inhaled shaky breaths. One. Two. Three. Her lungs barely accepting the air that she forced into them. Her hands were trembling with fear or sorrow; she didn’t know the difference anymore or maybe she just couldn’t remember. He tended to have that effect on her. He always had, since the day she met him. He always made her forget who she was or what she wanted to do. He made her forget what mattered to her or what made her content with her life. There was only him, and she did everything she could to keep him happy. But maybe she didn’t deserve a happy ending even after everything she did for him as in the end, he betrayed her trust and she felt a terrifying pain in her heart and then nothing, and feeling nothing was just as scary as feeling your heart being ripped out of your chest and shattering into a million pieces. She learnt at a heavy price that loyalty got you nowhere and she wished that she would’ve learnt that lesson earlier. You would think she would have known that after the first two times after those who were close to her betrayed her.

 

She wouldn’t think of them tonight, not while she was awake. Their place was in her dreams where they could only hurt her in her sleep and in her memories. What they did to her was just a dream, a nightmare, nothing real. It would never happen again, she wouldn’t let it. Everything she saw in her sleep was nothing more than a figment of her memories. The pain they brought to her and the lives they took was all in the past. Nothing to cry over. But they were not what made her wake from her restless slumber. He did. What she dreamt he did would haunt her dreams forever. She felt it all, what he did. The force screamed out at her, trying to warn her before she was assaulted by the draining feeling that came from what he did below her. She felt what he did as millions of voices just stopped. She felt it when the life below her ceased to exist. She saw it too, she saw what he did and she felt it rush through her. She saw the death, no, the nothingness rip through her people, and she screamed along with them. She screamed until her voice turned raw and until the empty feeling subsided. She failed them and as a result, she would suffer with them. A small price to pay for what has happened.

 

What he did was just in her nightmares, nothing more than her dreams running wild. She looked down at the desolate planet below her, a planet she hasn’t returned to in months and let a single tear of sorrow run down her cheek. He was just her nightmare, but sometimes… nightmares are real.


	2. How Do You Run From What’s Inside Your Head?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During the KOTFE storyline, prior to chapter 12

The night was cold against her skin as the wind gently caressed her skin, almost like a mother comforting her child before the storm. But the Outlander knew that the storm has already begun and it was only going to get worse from now. Soon, there would be nowhere for her to run and hide was not an option this time. This time she will not cower away or ignore her responsibilities. She didn’t want to be hidden the last, but alas, they gave her no option and froze her while she slowly died.

 

She blinked away the dryness in her eyes away and placed her weight on the railings that looked over the wilderness behind her base. Odessen was a beautiful planet, peaceful and serene yet it had that undercurrent of darkness in it that made it the perfect balance of light and dark. Everyone was inside having his or her evening meal in the mass, yet The Outlander stood outside and watched the sunset colour the sky from blue to orange as she waited for the man whom she both despises and clings to. She felt his presence before she saw him, despite living in her head; she still felt his presence in the force heighten when he took the form of a force ghost or spectre. Even after all the time she knew him, his immense power and overwhelming darkness shook her to the core and reminded him of what he did in the past.

 

“Beautiful isn’t it”

“I suppose it is. It’s relaxing, gives me a sense of home and comfort in this world.”

“You never had a home child.”

“You never had a home either Valkorion, you lost that when you ate your first world.” She turned her body to look at him, the rays of sunlight shining through his ethereal form, giving him an orange glow that was unsurprisingly ominous. Even in death he looked so sure of himself. Maybe that’s how he managed to survive for all the centuries he lived through.

“That may be true, but I had built an Empire worthy of a god to rule over. I would have ruled with you by my side as you were destined to, yet you decided that your weak Sith Empire was worth saving.” He remained in his position a few paces behind her, and watch her as she looked back at him, not fearful of his presence but not relaxed either, instead she was in a dangerous balance of comfort and hesitancy. He supposed that it was always like that since they met on Voss all those years ago. She never truly placed her trust him, yet he wanted her to be by his side, she earned that much. He chose her for a reason and never once did he regret his choice, she was supposed to carry on his legacy, not his foolish children who were too greedy without ambition, not his loving wife who eventually turned her back on him. None of them deserved the mantle of his legacy, only that girl who has lived through enough nightmares turned reality deserved his empire.

“In another lifetime, I may have ruled alongside you, but this is not that life. You would do well to remember that.”

“My little Wrath, even when at the galaxy’s mercy you stand tall and defy it. Perhaps that is what made you stand out from the rest in the first place.” He was unmoved by her cold tone, praising her instead of cowering away from her like most would.

“Perhaps”

“What ails you child? Do not think you can hide your emotions from me. I live inside your head, I see the world as you do.” He may have seemed emotionless to all around him, but for some reason, he fretted over her much like a mother over her child.

“I’m just so tired. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. I fought for so long and I’ve lost so much. I have no idea where those who were close to me are, I do not even know if they are alive. Why did you allow your sons to attack us, why did you allow him to take even more from me, from you?”

“It was time for the Eternal Empire to spread its wings and take hold of the galaxy like it was meant to. They were unhindered by the teachings of the Jedi and the Sith, victory was certain for them.”

“Even now you do not include yourself when you refer to the Zakuul Empire. Do you not see yourself as one of them?”

“They are no longer my people. My son rules over them and until he dies, they will not be my people. It was supposed to be yours, the throne. You are far more powerful than what my son or daughter will ever be, you have yet to unlock your power yet you do not, why do you deny yourself godhood?”

“I’m afraid that I’ll turn into you.”

“No child, you are afraid that you will lose control and wreak havoc everywhere you go. You are running from your destiny, your true power and in turn me”

“How do you run from what’s inside your head?”

“You cannot little one.”

 

No more comments were exchanged after that. The two stood in a comfortable silence and watched as the orange hues of the sky slowly turned black and thousands of stars decorated the heavens. The sun slowly set down behind the mountains and the former Emperor and current Outlander were content with their lives, just for that one moment. The Emperor didn’t fear that he may lose his precious Empire or his chosen heir and the Outlander didn’t worry about the upcoming battles and wars she would wage to get her revenge. They also took comfort in knowing, they would have each other’s back until their shared goal was achieved and maybe even after that if their decisions did not clash. The whole world continued to revolve and change around them, but they only cared about the orange sunset on that cold Odessen night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Valkorion may seem a bit OOC but this is my interpretation of him, sorta?


	3. Don’t Remember Falling In Love With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after the conclusion of Chapter 3 of the Sith Warrior storyline

She didn’t expect to be doing this again. To sit at the table on her apartment balcony, eating dinner as if they still loved each other, as if they were still together. A plate of barely touched food laid in front of her, taunting her with its appetizing smell, but she didn’t think she’d be able to stomach any of it if she were to eat it. She made an effort not to look at him choosing to look at the grey buildings behind him that were known as the Dromund Kaas citadel whilst his eyes burned into her skin, trying to express what he afraid want to put into words. I’m sorry. She may have silently forgiven him, but she’ll never forget what he did and how much it hurt her. Oh force, it hurt so much, she couldn’t feel anything but the agony emitting from her heart when he betrayed her. Her heart shattered in her chest and its pieces cut through her body keeping her in an everlasting state of torment. She blinked away the tears that arose from that memory and for the first time in a long time, she looked into his baby blue eyes and prayed to the force that she wouldn’t get lost in them like she used to. She couldn’t fall for him again, god knows it would hurt her too much.

 

“How has your day been Quinn?” Her voice was barely heard, just above a whisper as if she was afraid of breaking whatever moment they were having.

“It was alright, my lord, and yours?” His voice so was like music to her ears, music that she would not let herself take comfort in.

“It was well Captain.” An uncomfortable silence washed over them. Neither party knew what to say to each other in fear that they’d lose each other more than what they’ve already had.

“My lord… Rhaelle… I… I’m…please…I … I’m sorry.” And it was like a dam had broken.

“I should have never done that to you, I hate myself for it, you should have never been betrayed by me. I was too loyal to Baras, I thought I owed him that much for saving my career, but it was you I should’ve owed and been loyal to. You had given me everything you had and everything I could have asked for and I repaid you by trying to kill you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, no please kill me, I should have never left that station alive after what I did to you. I’ll never forgive myself. I don’t care how you do it, but please, my love, please just end my pain, no matter how selfish I may seem for wishing that.” Tears streaked down Malavai’s cheeks as he gripped one of her hands for dear life. Rhaelle could sense his suffering through the force and she wished she could do what he wanted and end his life, but how could she do that to the man she once loved, who she still loves.

 

“I don’t even remember falling in love with you. All I remember is holding your hand and realizing how much it was going to hurt when I would have to let it go. I have forgiven you long ago Malavai, I will always forgive you. You have been my everything since that day on Taris where we were about to die in that Republic Base. Yes, you have hurt me in unimaginable ways,” Quinn winced at that comment and reeled back slightly “but you have been there for me when I needed you the most and for that, I thank you. But don’t you dare ever tell me to kill you again, I will not be the one to end your life nor will I ever wish it. Please, just forgive yourself, do it for me.” She looked into his eyes as the tears that adorned his cheeks mixed with the rain that started to pour down on them, as if the planet recognized their sorrow and decided to accommodate it.

 

Malavai looked onto his former lover, his ex-fiancé, and used all his self-restraint to stop himself from kissing her. She still amazed him, even after all they’ve known each other. She forgave him, refused to kill him because it would hurt her too much and asked for him to forgive himself. Even after he destroyed her heart, she was protecting him. He didn’t deserve this, her protection, but he couldn’t find it within himself to fight her again.

 

Both Rhaelle and Malavai stood up from their seats and moved towards one another, facing each other with barely any distance between them. The urge to touch and hold their former lover overwhelmed them, but they refrained from doing so. He didn’t believe he had the right to and she didn’t want to cling onto something she had to let go.

 

“You still want the best for me, despite my crimes against you.”

“No matter how hard I tried, I cant hate you Quinn. You wedged your way into my heart and you still have a piece of it.”

“I wish we could be what we once were.”

“As do I but I do not believe that we can be like what we once were.”

“I understand my lord.”

“But you don’t, I can’t trust you ever again but I am willing again, one day.” “That day may never come and I may never have the chance to tell you once again. I love you.”

“I…I love you too. I always will.”

 

With that final comment, Rhaelle lifted up onto her toes, placed her hands on his chest to help balance her and gave him a chaste kiss, pouring as much of her emotions into it before she returned to her normal height, removed her hands from his chest and turned her back on him. His eyes remained closed and he held onto the kiss as if it was the most important thing to him. He relished that kiss and he tried to engrave that final gift from her in his head.

What he didn’t see was his love walking off, head low and arms wrapped around her in an attempt to comfort herself, nor did he see the tears that flowed down her cheeks.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Rhaelle' is pronounced as kinda like 'Rail'


	4. I Hate You… I Hate Me Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after Chapter 2 of the Sith Warrior Storyline

Rhaelle did nothing to placate the raging Sith Lord in front of her, instead she choose to watch him wreck his office as he threw his furniture from one side of the room to the other. The walls had fist side holes decorating them and she swore that she could see some burn marks on the carpet floor. The sound of a lightsaber igniting jolted her from her musings and she set her gaze onto the man responsible for all the damage in the office, her hand moving towards the lightsaber on her belt. Luckily for her, he didn’t try to attack her; rather, he attacked the computer terminal on the side of the office, each strike of his was calculated yet vicious. He didn’t threaten her though; she could easily hold him back if she wished, but she didn’t want to this time.

 

‘ _Failure’_

 

He stopped his rampage and turned to look at her, his masked face, preventing her from seeing the seething look upon his face.

 

_‘Pathetic’_

 

He straightened up and took long but slow strides towards her, like an animal approaching its prey.

 

_‘You’ll never be good enough’_

 

He stood a couple of feet before her, his large form towering over her nimble one.

 

_‘Weak, useless, worthless. You don’t deserve to live’_

 

“You failed the mission.” Baras’s tone was detached, as if he didn’t want to waste his time being in her presence.

“I did.” Despite her inner turmoil, Rhaelle showed no outward signs of being loathing of herself.

“You had all the resources you needed and yet you failed.”

“The Hero of Tyth-“

“SILENCE. I will not listen to your petty excuses. Your mission was easy and yet YOU FAILED. You not only put this entire operation at risk, but you risked your men and the sith under your command. Why should I not kill your for this failure.”

 

_‘I don’t care, do it. End my suffering’_

 

Rhaelle could have said many things in this instance. She could’ve said that she was more useful to him alive than dead or she could’ve said that she is an asset to the Empire despite her failure. She could’ve even told him that this was the only mission she failed but she said none of those things.

 

_‘You deserve whatever punishment is coming to you’_

 

“I don’t have a reason. You either kill me or you don’t.” Darth Baras did nothing to hide his shock, his face may have been covered, but he expressed his emotions through the force. He expected her to fight him, whether it was verbally or physically he did not care, he just expected her to fight for her life, not just give it up.

“I did what I was supposed to do,” _‘Liar’_ “I did what I could,” _‘But you didn’t’_ “The Jedi got in my way and they overpowered me.” _‘You gave up’_

“You think that makes up for what happened. I do not care if the Jedi interfered with your job, you are a Lord of the Sith, the embodiment of power, you should have been able to kill them all.”

“It was the Darth Angral himself along with his stupid apprentice and the traitorous sith. I couldn’t take them all on.”

“YOUR EXCUSES MEAN NOTHING. YOU CANNOT ACT LIKE YOU HAVE A JUSTIFIED REASON FOR FAILING. YOU. ARE. PATHETIC.”

 

It was like a switched had flipped. Rhaelle may have been scolding herself for failing, but no one would ever call her pathetic. Only she had that right. For the first time that night, Rhaelle stood to her full height, no longer slouching in shame. She dared to look into Baras’s visor, where she supposed his eyes were and glared into them, allowing her green eyes to turn into an orange-yellow colour. The air around them crackled with energy as Rhaelle called the dark-side to her and then the temperature in the room dropped drastically. She stepped closer to Baras, until their chest were practically touching and ever so slowly, she wrapped one of her hands around her lightsaber and removed it from her belt, her other hand moving towards her second lightsaber. She moved her finger to the switch and spoke:

 

“I will not be called any demeaning names by anyone, especially by you. Yes, I failed and yes, I risked the lives of many but I. Don’t. Care. Another chance will arise and we will take it, but until then, don’t you dare ever call me pathetic again Baras. I swear I will end you if you do. I will end you.” Her voice was low and dangerous. Instead of reeling back in fear or accepting her terms, Baras grew enraged.

“You act as if you are my equal you, however, are not. You are but a child, an inexperienced one at that. Do not forget this youngling,” Rhaelle bristled at that comment, “I hate you, no, I laugh down at your weakness, an apprentice of mine will not be as incapable as you.”

“I hate me too.” Rhaelle’s voice was meek and she was vulnerable in his presence for the first time in her life. She turned her back and left Bara’s office, not caring what he thought of her after that comment. She knew that she would regret saying anything in the morrow, but for now, she was content and she would sleep as peacefully as she could with the voices in her head reminded her that she wasn’t ever going to be good enough.

 

_‘You are a weakling, cant even keep a secret. You deserve what’s coming to you’_

 

Baras looked onto the Wrath as she walked off, disbelief clouding his emotions. Her last comment shook him to his core. How could someone as smart, as powerful and as beautiful as her hate themself? She acted so confident, it was clear to everyone she encountered that she knew her capabilities, her weaknesses. She acted as if she was, she respected herself and that she, like many sith, loved herself. Maybe everyone saw her wrong. Maybe she was silently suffering. Whatever dark secrets his apprentice had, Marr wouldn’t ask, but he would push her again and he will find out what she is hiding from one of his many agents. He will expose her weaknesses as use them to dispose of her once she gets in his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I put Darth Marr in the place of Darth Baras but I decided that the story would make more sense if i used Baras


	5. All Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during KOTFE

“You’re the bravest person out there that I know of, why aren’t you going to go through with this mission?” A simple question, it shouldn’t be so hard to answer but yet it was. Maybe that was because the question had opinions that the Outlander viewed as anything but true or maybe it was because the answer was too hard to say out loud.

 

“I do not think I am the bravest person you have met, Vette. You must have confused me with someone else.”

“No, I’m certain that you are brave, I mean you look death in the eyes and then proceed to call it a little bitch, figuratively. You are definitely the bravest person out there.”

“Maybe at one point Vette, but times change.”

“It may have been 5 years for me but it’s only been a few months for you Rhae, things couldn’t have change that much in such a short amount of time.”

“Our galaxy changed with a day.”

 

Rhaelle was right; things had changed just maybe not in the way Vette was thinking of. Rhaelle wasn’t going to tell Vette the truth. She wasn’t going to Vette that she wanted to feel death’s everlasting embrace, she wasn’t going to tell Vette that she didn’t run away from a fight because a part of her wanted to die, she wasn’t going to tell Vette that she only acted brave, that deep down she wanted to run away and never look back. Rhaelle simply didn’t want to tell her anything.

 

Rhaelle reminisced all of the things in her life that made her the way she was. O’ how it was a long list of memories that she wished would never resurface to the front of her mind again. Rhaelle didn’t speak again after Vette’s comment; she just sat silently as if she was lost in her own world. And she was, she was lost in her own world that was full of her own demons.

 

“Rhae, things haven’t changed that much, have they?” Before she could stop them, words began to flow out of Rhaelle’s mouth, telling Vette things that she never wished to admit out loud to anyone.

“I’m not brave anymore.”

“What are you talking about?”

I’m all broken. They’ve broken me.”

“Who broke you? Who broke you Rhaelle?” Vette prompted, trying to find out who Pierce and she will later hunt down for making her lord look so…defeated. Or was a more suitable word lost?

“No one Vette, forget I said anything”

“But-“

“Forget I said anything”

“I don’t wan-“

“Vette”

“Listen to me plea-“

“No Vette”

“Milord I can’t just-“

“But you can and you will. It’s alright Vette”

“… If you insist.” No more words were exchanged after that, the two friends, sisters by Twi’lek customs, just sat next to each other and basked in each other’s presence, spending what little time they had together.

 

Vette looked over to Rhaelle but didn’t say anything and Rhaelle ignored Vette’s worried gaze.

Vette moved to hold Rhaelle’s hand, Rhaelle didn’t react nor did she pull her hand away.

Vette vowed to help her friend and Rhaelle vowed to keep her friend from the truth.

Vette later told Pierce what she discovered and Rhaelle later isolated herself in her room.

That night Vette didn’t sleep a wink.

That night Rhaelle had another marking on her skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short but meh


End file.
